why cant u forget?
i dont know.
what is it tht u cant forget?
i dunno. everything... nothing...
how do u feel?
fine. i'm perfectly fine.
do u feel anything?
u mean right now? no, i dont. i'm fine. i dont feel anything.
not feeling anything is not fine.
so? i still dont feel anything.
despair? anger? confusion?
no. no. no. for all of the above.
broken..?
(silence)
broken.....?
wht do u want me to say? broken is not even an emotion.
it may be what u feel like.
i'm not answering tht.
how did u meet?
we had decided to meet.
where?
temple. no, hospital. no... well, outside d temple and d hospital.
wht did he say?
cant remember. just remember how he felt.
u remember how HE felt..?? how did he feel?
scared. he was having palpitations. :-) he sd i shud check his pulse.
how did u feel?
anxious. happy. scared... a lil angry coz of all the lies. but sort of happy too... i think.
so u were happy to see him....
no. yes, i guess. i was happy for awhile. but i cried alot after tht... months after tht, i mean. there were alot of tears. laughter too. but more tears.
so u were sort of happy to meet him tht day. u werent scared.
i was kinda. in fact,i had mistakenly msged him when he was on his way, saying "i m so scared to meet him, after all these time. i m having palpitations now!!". then i took his ph n deleted d msg before he cud read it. it was actually meant for another friend.
do u remember wht time was it? or the weather?
it was late feb, around 9 at night. it was a cold night. but clear sky. he was on a bike. i was sitting down, on d sidewalk. not d regular sidewalk. this is kinda elevated, bout 2 or 3 feet high.
(silence)
not many ppl around. in fact it was quite lonely. just an occasional passer by. but there were these 2 ppl, sitting on d elevated sidewalk some distance fr us, eating. probably a patient's relatives or somethin. they didnt look sad though. they were just eating n not talking much.
(silence)
there was an auto stand nearby. n there were like 3 of em there, all sitting inside one auto. laughing n talking a bit loudly. their conversation became a tad softer after awhile. probably talkin bout us.... i dunno.
how much do u remember bout the day tht u met him.
i dunno. not much i guess.
i see....
how did he make u feel...?
i'm not sure.
what do u remember most bout him?
his smile, his walk, his predictability... n....
and??
his silent cry. i've seen him cry just once... it was silent. like he was trying to contain it or somethin. but... i remember tht so vividly. i wish i could forget tht.
one single quality of his tht u loved.
look here... like i've sd many times before, i didnt love him. or anything bout him. maybe it was attraction or infatuation or i was just swept off with the attention. but it was definitely not love. so if u cud please stop... (interrupted)
ok... i understand how u feel.
yeah, sure. u went through the same thing tht i did. i m very sure u get it, exactly!
one single quality of his tht u liked.
(silence....)
he was genuine.
GENUINE... hhmmmm.... strange choice of word, for a person whom u thought was full of lies.
yeah, i guess. he was genuine when he wasnt lying. sometimes even when he was.
he was genuinely lying, is tht wht u r saying?
ok. how do u feel when u think u r betrayed.
:-) ur question n answer is in tht same sentence. u sd urself tht i feel betrayed.
maybe i was hoping tht u'd correct me. maybe i thought u'd say tht u dont feel betrayed.
u r right. i did feel tht. i dont now.
why is tht? wht changed?
i accepted the betrayal then. n however i felt n reacted, i thought was normal reaction. but now, i realize i dont want to allow it. it is my call. it is n has always been. i m not a victim or somethin....
yes, u r not a victim.
i choose everything tht's happening... to me, how i feel, how i think, how i react, everythin... its all my choice. now. its my choice.
to remember?
what?
to remember? to not forget?
yes.
u choose to remember...?
yes.
what do u remember?
nothing... everything.... i dont know.
wht do u feel?
i dont know... i dont wanna feel.
feeling something is better than feeling nothing.
how do u feel?
like i m in pieces, alone, living inside an emotional prison which i have built. but no one can see any of tht.
broken?
(silence)
broken...?
yeah.... though thts not even an emotion.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Saturday, 4 April 2009
wanna meet...?
twas a hot day, 4.30 pm.
a restless class, 2 batch of students combined, a demented lecturer... at least thts wht they thought of him
topic: carcinoma of the larynx.
he says its commonly seen in nagging housewives & screaming teachers.
"jeez...how come he doesnt hv tht malignancy... the way he yells, tis just a matter of time perhaps."
she is yet another restless student there. but its got nothing to do with d heat nor d crazy lecturer.
her eyes sweep across the small class, again, searching for him, desperately fighting the urge to pick up her cell phone thts vibrating incessantly inside her white coat. her chin resting on her hand as her other hand lightly touches her coat pocket.
"where is he? is he scared? chickened out, skipping yet another class? he knows who i am. if there's someone who has the right to be nervous, its me! not him! not gonna meet him. in fact, i dont wanna meet him. huh! definitely wont. well, maybe."
she tries to hide behind the head directly in front of her, trying not to make it obvious. gawd! sitting through a tutorial cum lecture tht she aint prepared for, listening to a professor she doesnt like, searching for a guy she does not wanna meet."
"jesus! why does tht demented fool pause n then look at the back row? cant he see the enthu ones on the first row, right under his nose... if he wants to ask questions, he shud ask them... all prepared with notes for d tuts, with headlines underlined in red. i hate them! damn! why cant i be like them! "
nudging her friend...."hey, u sure he isnt here?".
exasperated, "for the hundreth time, no, he isnt here. he uses specs. i would recognise those specs anywhere."
"r u like, veeeery sure?"
no answer this time. just a are-u-kidding-me-for-heaven's-sake! look.
she kept her gap shut.
today was going to be the day that he shed his cloak and come clean. today was supposed to be the day tht she places a face to the phantom tht he has been. it was a turning point, this day. after hours n days of late night talks, bout everything under the sun, no inhibitions whatsoever, hiding behind the safety of anonimity. today, she wanted to see the face behind the voice, the wit, the other partner of their crazy conversations. but the today tht she wanted didnt happen.....
he.....
smiles to himself. hhmmm.... lets send tht across too.... types, ":-)" and hits the green key on his nokia. the phone in the coat vibrates.
"hows d class so far?"...... her phone vibrates.
"anythin interesting today"..... her phone vibrates.
"see anyone interesting today... ahem... missing someone...?" her phone vibrates. her phone, in a white coat pocket, directly behind him.
he knows she isnt checking her msgs, yet. he also knows her phone is vibrating coz of his msgs, though he cant hear it. he knows... coz he knows her ph is on vibrate during classes, full volume when she's asleep, silent when she's expecting good news, switched off when she's angry with him.
he knows alot of insignificant things about her tht others dont.
"ok..ok... call out ur roll numbers!". finally something usefull from tht foul mouth.
tense muscles relaxed, books are closed shut, students sit up straight, ready to call out their roll numbers.... and for some, to call out the roll numbers of their friends who r still asleep in the rooms. P.R.O.X.Y is the name of the game.
80% attendance is compulsory - therefore, a risk worth taking.
she takes out her ph, 15 messages says the screen. she smiles. will read it in the silence of her room. not now. what they say bout delaying gratification? something she read somewhere. how some ppl eat the edges of a sandwich n leave the centre for later. save the best for last?? whatever.....
"number 41".
heart skipped a beat.
what? who said tht? he's here...?
"42....", "43..."
proxy?
its 5.45 pm..... still a hot day....
she carries her mug of tea to the rooftop of her hostel, her fav hangout.
her gf's are giggling at some silly jokes, n "really?" at some new gossip & "are u serious?!!" at some newer jucier ones.
her mind is elsewhere...
he: "u didnt reply my msgs"
she: silent
he: "hello, anybody home?"
she: silent
he: "this is my 20th msg"
n 3 missed calls later.....
he: "what's wrong? pls tell me."
she: "i'm angry"
he: "ok, i'm sorry..."
she: "really?"
he: "really! very very very sorry, pls pls pls forgive me..."
she: "why r u sorry?"
he: "arre, i dont know! u sd u were angry, so i sd tht i m sorry. now wht?"
she: "ur very very sorry's n pls pls forgive me is for something tht u dont even know?!! n u keep track of d number of times u msg me?? men r ridiculous!"
he: "n women are wht?!!! u r suddenly angry n u dont even know why."
he: "dont reply to tht. look, i m sorry for not knowing why i was sorry. ok? happy now?"
she: "i was angry coz u didnt turn up. i was upset, kinda hurt n disappointed maybe. n also coz i simply felt like being angry wit u, right about now!. :-)"
he: "haha... very cute. i was right in front of u. ;-)"
she: "what do u mean?"
he: "it means, i sat thru tht sordid lecture. it means u hv to tell ur friend tht i forgot my specs today. hehe.... "
what was he like? what was he like....? god dammit! i cant recall who sat in front of me.
ah..... nice hair... i spent an hour hiding behind tht head. but i cant recall the face in front of tht head. is this some kinda joke! god does hv a sense of humor, i shud give him tht much!
he: "hey.... u there... wanna meet?"
she: "yup. nope."
he: "haha.... wht was tht..."
she: "yup, i m here. nope, dont wanna meet..."
he: "i thought u were kinda angry coz u were kinda upset n hurt n kinda disappointed coz u thought i didnt turn up. lets meet.... pls."
silence.
3 missed calls
silence.
jolted outta her world, she heard her friend's voice, "if u dont throw ur ph now n acknowledge our presence... man! u must be the one person who is making full use of tht hutch free sms thingy."
another added, "not the only person. u guys r forgetting tht one on the other end...."
embarassed, she quickly types, "gotta go. msg u later. cant meet today."
he: "u r running away"
she: "am not, talk to u later."
he: "u r running away. lets meet."
she: "cant. sorry. later"
he: "we r meeting today. name d time and place."
she: "bye.... talk to u later."
he....
throws d butt. lights another cigarette.
she is not gonna meet him today. he knows that much. he is relieved, yet he is so deeply hurt. it hurts to know she doesnt want to see him. all his friends hv left for the movie. he declined their offer, saying he had other plans, ignoring their knowing smile.
he'll sit here, at the rooftop, knowing she is at the top of the world somewhere too, watching the sun go down. .....surf d net on his mobile, fag some more..... till she msgs him again. he doesnt wanna bother her n appear pushy.
he reads her silly msgs again.
her first msg to him... a month ago...
"who is this...?"
"do i know u?"
n to his "describe urself....", she had sd "i m a young female, moderately built, well nourished, oriented to time, place n person. vital signs r so far stable. :-)"
he smiles to himself.... its going to be a long wait, a wait worth his while.
a restless class, 2 batch of students combined, a demented lecturer... at least thts wht they thought of him
topic: carcinoma of the larynx.
he says its commonly seen in nagging housewives & screaming teachers.
"jeez...how come he doesnt hv tht malignancy... the way he yells, tis just a matter of time perhaps."
she is yet another restless student there. but its got nothing to do with d heat nor d crazy lecturer.
her eyes sweep across the small class, again, searching for him, desperately fighting the urge to pick up her cell phone thts vibrating incessantly inside her white coat. her chin resting on her hand as her other hand lightly touches her coat pocket.
"where is he? is he scared? chickened out, skipping yet another class? he knows who i am. if there's someone who has the right to be nervous, its me! not him! not gonna meet him. in fact, i dont wanna meet him. huh! definitely wont. well, maybe."
she tries to hide behind the head directly in front of her, trying not to make it obvious. gawd! sitting through a tutorial cum lecture tht she aint prepared for, listening to a professor she doesnt like, searching for a guy she does not wanna meet."
"jesus! why does tht demented fool pause n then look at the back row? cant he see the enthu ones on the first row, right under his nose... if he wants to ask questions, he shud ask them... all prepared with notes for d tuts, with headlines underlined in red. i hate them! damn! why cant i be like them! "
nudging her friend...."hey, u sure he isnt here?".
exasperated, "for the hundreth time, no, he isnt here. he uses specs. i would recognise those specs anywhere."
"r u like, veeeery sure?"
no answer this time. just a are-u-kidding-me-for-heaven's-sake! look.
she kept her gap shut.
today was going to be the day that he shed his cloak and come clean. today was supposed to be the day tht she places a face to the phantom tht he has been. it was a turning point, this day. after hours n days of late night talks, bout everything under the sun, no inhibitions whatsoever, hiding behind the safety of anonimity. today, she wanted to see the face behind the voice, the wit, the other partner of their crazy conversations. but the today tht she wanted didnt happen.....
he.....
smiles to himself. hhmmm.... lets send tht across too.... types, ":-)" and hits the green key on his nokia. the phone in the coat vibrates.
"hows d class so far?"...... her phone vibrates.
"anythin interesting today"..... her phone vibrates.
"see anyone interesting today... ahem... missing someone...?" her phone vibrates. her phone, in a white coat pocket, directly behind him.
he knows she isnt checking her msgs, yet. he also knows her phone is vibrating coz of his msgs, though he cant hear it. he knows... coz he knows her ph is on vibrate during classes, full volume when she's asleep, silent when she's expecting good news, switched off when she's angry with him.
he knows alot of insignificant things about her tht others dont.
"ok..ok... call out ur roll numbers!". finally something usefull from tht foul mouth.
tense muscles relaxed, books are closed shut, students sit up straight, ready to call out their roll numbers.... and for some, to call out the roll numbers of their friends who r still asleep in the rooms. P.R.O.X.Y is the name of the game.
80% attendance is compulsory - therefore, a risk worth taking.
she takes out her ph, 15 messages says the screen. she smiles. will read it in the silence of her room. not now. what they say bout delaying gratification? something she read somewhere. how some ppl eat the edges of a sandwich n leave the centre for later. save the best for last?? whatever.....
"number 41".
heart skipped a beat.
what? who said tht? he's here...?
"42....", "43..."
proxy?
its 5.45 pm..... still a hot day....
she carries her mug of tea to the rooftop of her hostel, her fav hangout.
her gf's are giggling at some silly jokes, n "really?" at some new gossip & "are u serious?!!" at some newer jucier ones.
her mind is elsewhere...
he: "u didnt reply my msgs"
she: silent
he: "hello, anybody home?"
she: silent
he: "this is my 20th msg"
n 3 missed calls later.....
he: "what's wrong? pls tell me."
she: "i'm angry"
he: "ok, i'm sorry..."
she: "really?"
he: "really! very very very sorry, pls pls pls forgive me..."
she: "why r u sorry?"
he: "arre, i dont know! u sd u were angry, so i sd tht i m sorry. now wht?"
she: "ur very very sorry's n pls pls forgive me is for something tht u dont even know?!! n u keep track of d number of times u msg me?? men r ridiculous!"
he: "n women are wht?!!! u r suddenly angry n u dont even know why."
he: "dont reply to tht. look, i m sorry for not knowing why i was sorry. ok? happy now?"
she: "i was angry coz u didnt turn up. i was upset, kinda hurt n disappointed maybe. n also coz i simply felt like being angry wit u, right about now!. :-)"
he: "haha... very cute. i was right in front of u. ;-)"
she: "what do u mean?"
he: "it means, i sat thru tht sordid lecture. it means u hv to tell ur friend tht i forgot my specs today. hehe.... "
what was he like? what was he like....? god dammit! i cant recall who sat in front of me.
ah..... nice hair... i spent an hour hiding behind tht head. but i cant recall the face in front of tht head. is this some kinda joke! god does hv a sense of humor, i shud give him tht much!
he: "hey.... u there... wanna meet?"
she: "yup. nope."
he: "haha.... wht was tht..."
she: "yup, i m here. nope, dont wanna meet..."
he: "i thought u were kinda angry coz u were kinda upset n hurt n kinda disappointed coz u thought i didnt turn up. lets meet.... pls."
silence.
3 missed calls
silence.
jolted outta her world, she heard her friend's voice, "if u dont throw ur ph now n acknowledge our presence... man! u must be the one person who is making full use of tht hutch free sms thingy."
another added, "not the only person. u guys r forgetting tht one on the other end...."
embarassed, she quickly types, "gotta go. msg u later. cant meet today."
he: "u r running away"
she: "am not, talk to u later."
he: "u r running away. lets meet."
she: "cant. sorry. later"
he: "we r meeting today. name d time and place."
she: "bye.... talk to u later."
he....
throws d butt. lights another cigarette.
she is not gonna meet him today. he knows that much. he is relieved, yet he is so deeply hurt. it hurts to know she doesnt want to see him. all his friends hv left for the movie. he declined their offer, saying he had other plans, ignoring their knowing smile.
he'll sit here, at the rooftop, knowing she is at the top of the world somewhere too, watching the sun go down. .....surf d net on his mobile, fag some more..... till she msgs him again. he doesnt wanna bother her n appear pushy.
he reads her silly msgs again.
her first msg to him... a month ago...
"who is this...?"
"do i know u?"
n to his "describe urself....", she had sd "i m a young female, moderately built, well nourished, oriented to time, place n person. vital signs r so far stable. :-)"
he smiles to himself.... its going to be a long wait, a wait worth his while.
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