broken?

why cant u forget?
i dont know.

what is it tht u cant forget?
i dunno. everything... nothing...

how do u feel?
fine. i'm perfectly fine.

do u feel anything?
u mean right now? no, i dont. i'm fine. i dont feel anything.

not feeling anything is not fine.
so? i still dont feel anything.

despair? anger? confusion?
no. no. no. for all of the above.

broken..?
(silence)
broken.....?
wht do u want me to say? broken is not even an emotion.

it may be what u feel like.
i'm not answering tht.

how did u meet?
we had decided to meet.

where?
temple. no, hospital. no... well, outside d temple and d hospital.

wht did he say?
cant remember. just remember how he felt.

u remember how HE felt..?? how did he feel?
scared. he was having palpitations. :-) he sd i shud check his pulse.

how did u feel?
anxious. happy. scared... a lil angry coz of all the lies. but sort of happy too... i think.

so u were happy to see him....
no. yes, i guess. i was happy for awhile. but i cried alot after tht... months after tht, i mean. there were alot of tears. laughter too. but more tears.

so u were sort of happy to meet him tht day. u werent scared.
i was kinda. in fact,i had mistakenly msged him when he was on his way, saying "i m so scared to meet him, after all these time. i m having palpitations now!!". then i took his ph n deleted d msg before he cud read it. it was actually meant for another friend.

do u remember wht time was it? or the weather?
it was late feb, around 9 at night. it was a cold night. but clear sky. he was on a bike. i was sitting down, on d sidewalk. not d regular sidewalk. this is kinda elevated, bout 2 or 3 feet high.
(silence)

not many ppl around. in fact it was quite lonely. just an occasional passer by. but there were these 2 ppl, sitting on d elevated sidewalk some distance fr us, eating. probably a patient's relatives or somethin. they didnt look sad though. they were just eating n not talking much.
(silence)

there was an auto stand nearby. n there were like 3 of em there, all sitting inside one auto. laughing n talking a bit loudly. their conversation became a tad softer after awhile. probably talkin bout us.... i dunno.

how much do u remember bout the day tht u met him.
i dunno. not much i guess.

i see....
how did he make u feel...?
i'm not sure.

what do u remember most bout him?
his smile, his walk, his predictability... n....

and??
his silent cry. i've seen him cry just once... it was silent. like he was trying to contain it or somethin. but... i remember tht so vividly. i wish i could forget tht.

one single quality of his tht u loved.
look here... like i've sd many times before, i didnt love him. or anything bout him. maybe it was attraction or infatuation or i was just swept off with the attention. but it was definitely not love. so if u cud please stop... (interrupted)

ok... i understand how u feel.
yeah, sure. u went through the same thing tht i did. i m very sure u get it, exactly!

one single quality of his tht u liked.
(silence....)
he was genuine.

GENUINE... hhmmmm.... strange choice of word, for a person whom u thought was full of lies.
yeah, i guess. he was genuine when he wasnt lying. sometimes even when he was.

he was genuinely lying, is tht wht u r saying?
ok. how do u feel when u think u r betrayed.
:-) ur question n answer is in tht same sentence. u sd urself tht i feel betrayed.

maybe i was hoping tht u'd correct me. maybe i thought u'd say tht u dont feel betrayed.
u r right. i did feel tht. i dont now.

why is tht? wht changed?
i accepted the betrayal then. n however i felt n reacted, i thought was normal reaction. but now, i realize i dont want to allow it. it is my call. it is n has always been. i m not a victim or somethin....

yes, u r not a victim.
i choose everything tht's happening... to me, how i feel, how i think, how i react, everythin... its all my choice. now. its my choice.

to remember?
what?

to remember? to not forget?
yes.

u choose to remember...?
yes.

what do u remember?
nothing... everything.... i dont know.

wht do u feel?
i dont know... i dont wanna feel.

feeling something is better than feeling nothing.
how do u feel?
like i m in pieces, alone, living inside an emotional prison which i have built. but no one can see any of tht.

broken?
(silence)
broken...?
yeah.... though thts not even an emotion.