babysteps....

Babysteps.... we are on the road to recovery,
It aint easy to get up and pick you up,
To lead us out of this misery,
My heart refuses to beat, my mind refusing to believe this cruelty,
I'm scared and confused, your confessions I dont want to hear,
Dont want no regrets, no tears, no stains on these beautiful 7 years.



Babysteps... I am trying to believe there's nothing wrong with me,
But what do I lack that drove you away to seek,
Guilty comfort in her arms, why is it that you couldn't break free,
What did she have that your "self" you couldnt see,
How unfaithful and disloyal and heartless can you be,
Breathing sins for a moment of desire, is this your reality.



Babysteps... I am learning to live again,
Don't know where to start, don't know how to begin,
Picking up the shards of our lives, no matter how much it pains,
We have to undo your betrayal, so much of trust we have to regain,
I am not giving up on us, or at least I'm gonna die tryin',
Our journey made of many years of many moments cannot come to an end.



Babysteps.... this too we will get through,
Don't worry honey, nightmares sometimes do come true,
Though it weakens me, I still want to hold and protect you,
From the shame and shock that is creeping upon you,
Lets walk down the aisle into the life we once knew,
Lets stand at the alter, and mean it this time when we say "I do."

I don't even......

I see you walkin with someone else,
after your walked out on me for the hundreth time,
Tucking her hair behind her ear,
like you always did mine,
When we passed and our arms brushed,
chills ran up my spine,
You pretended like you didnt know me,
like nothin has happened between you and I,
After you left, I hvn't been the same,
Here you are actin like you dont even know my name.


You think I'll neva get over you,
but babe, alot has changed,
When you broke my broken heart,
I knew for you this was just a game,
Now you are nothin but a pretty face,
that I keep behind a broken frame,
The next time that we meet,
I'll pretend that I dont even know your name...


The corner that we met,
it ain't special, ain't nothin but a place to forget,
The way we kissed,
I can still taste you on my lips,
Thought you're not the kind to hurt,
nothin could be more further from the truth,
But someday soon, sooner than soon,
I am sure I won't even remember your name.


A man like you and your kind,
deserve to be kept totally, completely outta my mind,
You act like you have achieved somethin',
not looking back at the pieces that you leave behind,
Trust me babe, one day you'd lose at your own game,
you would join me in the heartbreak's hall of fame,
Till then I'm gonna tell my heart and everyone else that,
That I dont even know your name.... ;-)

soul-ed out......

I stood on the ground, with flowers at my feet. Cursing you for loving me and cursing you for leaving me.
For showing me glimpses of what we could be. Telling me happiness is our destiny. Promising me things that I would rather not believe. Letting me dream a dream that would never be our reality. Making me wish for things, that you'd never fulfill. So much of lies that I could not foresee.


I stood on the ground, with wet grass under my feet.
Cursing you for our short life and cursing the promises that you have forgotten. You said that we will survive when everyone said that we wouldn't. You made me laugh when I thought I couldn't. Forgave my sins, my past and it's ugliness that I had hidden.


I knelt down on the ground, with gravel biting into my skin. Cursing you for making me want you, cursing you for making me finally feel. I hated how you saw the good in me. I hated that you saw beauty in the ugly in me. I hate that you did let go of me. I hated everything that wasn't what it should be.
Your promise that wasn't...
My dream that wasn't...
Our life that wasn't....
Letting me disappear into the nothingness, my life you have stolen.


Most of all, I hate to see you kneeling there placing flowers at my feet, letting the moist grass wet ur knees, letting the gravel bite into your skin. I hate to see you weep, to hear your cry.... as your hot tears seep through this cold earth coz they burn me so, so deep.


I lie down here, soul-ed out and I'm so empty, in my cold silent ground six feet beneath . Cursing me for being me and cursing me for leaving you, all that you are and all that we will never be.....

our brain is a funny thing....

whats that thing they use for race horses...?

him: hey u.... u went over to dr nalini's place huh? how is she?
her: u will not believe her place. it is so damn fuckin beautiful. u know burgundy is one of my fav colours. she had a curtain in that exact colour that i wanted. it had self print too. or more like embossed. i dunno.... but they were gorgeous.
him: hhmmm...... u didn't react this way when i got you that ring. (smiling).
her: this is different. these are curtains. and those curtain would go well with our furniture and living room. so i really wanna get them. not the exact thing. something similar.
him: okie. when do u wanna go?
her: hhmmmm..... now?

in the mall.....

her: i love these.... not burgundy or maroon. but it is the nicest here. brown and beige. ok na...?
him: (sigh......) yeah... i mean this is the nicest that I've seen in the last 2 hours. just take it. please.... it does look nice.
her: okie. n i need those cushions too. it feels nice. don't u think?
him: yes. nice.
her: these... or these? these look a bit more classy.
him: they look the same. they feel the same.
her: okie. i want these table cloth. not too expensive. we need one for our dining table, side table n the one in the hall. and the run too.
him: sure. all look nice. the cashier is over there. chalo...

while waiting in line at the cashier.....
him: where r u running off too...??!!!!!
her: i need those table lamps! wait....(runs towards the lights section...)
him: (annoyance overcome with hysteria...... laughing crazily... hysterically..)
her: (smiling) why are u laughing? this lamp is so cute. its black. i wanted something exactly like this n i found it today.
him: what is that thing they use for "ghooda".... race horses... to limit the vision. so that the horse looks straight ahead and NOT everywhere else?
her:i dunno.... shield? goggles? blinkers? why ah?
him:(still hysterically laughing..) i wanna get those for you. especially when we are shopping..... do u have any idea how you look like when u r in a mall.???!! u look crazy woman!!
her:(only slightly offended..) why..? i like these things that i bought! stop laughing like that. people are looking at us! (with eyes scanning like a radar..) oh my god....!!! oh my god!!!!
him: NO!!! AHAHAHAHA..... NO! NO!!! NOW WHAT?!!!
her: i can see a set of mugs from here.. they are purple, pink and baby blue!!!

2 minute miracles.... "where to for lunch huh?"

I am 15 minutes late.
"sorry.... waiting for long huh? so many accidents today. so many scans. "
"I went around all the blocks. twice..."
"I know. Sorry..."
"where shall we go?"
"I dunno. Not hungry."
Silence....

Well, this was new. He has something on this mind.
"Hey, you look nice in this brown thing. It's a good thing we bought it na? Thank god I didn't listen to you."
"So many cops at the junction. Something is happening."
"And the white one will look nice too. The cloth is so nice. That is why it is so expensive. Coz its niiiceee.."
Preoccupied with the road, "take out my wallet from the dashboard.."

I was a little blur. "why is your wallet in the dashboard..?", I asked as I opened it.
Inside, I saw a tiny red box. "Oh my god! What the hell?!! I mean, oh...!
Inside was a platinum heart shaped ring with the tiniest diamonds that I've ever seen.

He just smiled. "U were upset coz u lost the gold ring that I gave u na... so...". Never took his eyes off the road.
I smiled. There were a hundred things that I wanted to say.

No fuss, no mushy talk, no gushing.... just silence and some silly song on the radio.






"So where shall we go huh....?" with a smile.
"I dunno." I smiled back.

broken?

why cant u forget?
i dont know.

what is it tht u cant forget?
i dunno. everything... nothing...

how do u feel?
fine. i'm perfectly fine.

do u feel anything?
u mean right now? no, i dont. i'm fine. i dont feel anything.

not feeling anything is not fine.
so? i still dont feel anything.

despair? anger? confusion?
no. no. no. for all of the above.

broken..?
(silence)
broken.....?
wht do u want me to say? broken is not even an emotion.

it may be what u feel like.
i'm not answering tht.

how did u meet?
we had decided to meet.

where?
temple. no, hospital. no... well, outside d temple and d hospital.

wht did he say?
cant remember. just remember how he felt.

u remember how HE felt..?? how did he feel?
scared. he was having palpitations. :-) he sd i shud check his pulse.

how did u feel?
anxious. happy. scared... a lil angry coz of all the lies. but sort of happy too... i think.

so u were happy to see him....
no. yes, i guess. i was happy for awhile. but i cried alot after tht... months after tht, i mean. there were alot of tears. laughter too. but more tears.

so u were sort of happy to meet him tht day. u werent scared.
i was kinda. in fact,i had mistakenly msged him when he was on his way, saying "i m so scared to meet him, after all these time. i m having palpitations now!!". then i took his ph n deleted d msg before he cud read it. it was actually meant for another friend.

do u remember wht time was it? or the weather?
it was late feb, around 9 at night. it was a cold night. but clear sky. he was on a bike. i was sitting down, on d sidewalk. not d regular sidewalk. this is kinda elevated, bout 2 or 3 feet high.
(silence)

not many ppl around. in fact it was quite lonely. just an occasional passer by. but there were these 2 ppl, sitting on d elevated sidewalk some distance fr us, eating. probably a patient's relatives or somethin. they didnt look sad though. they were just eating n not talking much.
(silence)

there was an auto stand nearby. n there were like 3 of em there, all sitting inside one auto. laughing n talking a bit loudly. their conversation became a tad softer after awhile. probably talkin bout us.... i dunno.

how much do u remember bout the day tht u met him.
i dunno. not much i guess.

i see....
how did he make u feel...?
i'm not sure.

what do u remember most bout him?
his smile, his walk, his predictability... n....

and??
his silent cry. i've seen him cry just once... it was silent. like he was trying to contain it or somethin. but... i remember tht so vividly. i wish i could forget tht.

one single quality of his tht u loved.
look here... like i've sd many times before, i didnt love him. or anything bout him. maybe it was attraction or infatuation or i was just swept off with the attention. but it was definitely not love. so if u cud please stop... (interrupted)

ok... i understand how u feel.
yeah, sure. u went through the same thing tht i did. i m very sure u get it, exactly!

one single quality of his tht u liked.
(silence....)
he was genuine.

GENUINE... hhmmmm.... strange choice of word, for a person whom u thought was full of lies.
yeah, i guess. he was genuine when he wasnt lying. sometimes even when he was.

he was genuinely lying, is tht wht u r saying?
ok. how do u feel when u think u r betrayed.
:-) ur question n answer is in tht same sentence. u sd urself tht i feel betrayed.

maybe i was hoping tht u'd correct me. maybe i thought u'd say tht u dont feel betrayed.
u r right. i did feel tht. i dont now.

why is tht? wht changed?
i accepted the betrayal then. n however i felt n reacted, i thought was normal reaction. but now, i realize i dont want to allow it. it is my call. it is n has always been. i m not a victim or somethin....

yes, u r not a victim.
i choose everything tht's happening... to me, how i feel, how i think, how i react, everythin... its all my choice. now. its my choice.

to remember?
what?

to remember? to not forget?
yes.

u choose to remember...?
yes.

what do u remember?
nothing... everything.... i dont know.

wht do u feel?
i dont know... i dont wanna feel.

feeling something is better than feeling nothing.
how do u feel?
like i m in pieces, alone, living inside an emotional prison which i have built. but no one can see any of tht.

broken?
(silence)
broken...?
yeah.... though thts not even an emotion.

wanna meet...?

twas a hot day, 4.30 pm.
a restless class, 2 batch of students combined, a demented lecturer... at least thts wht they thought of him
topic: carcinoma of the larynx.
he says its commonly seen in nagging housewives & screaming teachers.

"jeez...how come he doesnt hv tht malignancy... the way he yells, tis just a matter of time perhaps."

she is yet another restless student there. but its got nothing to do with d heat nor d crazy lecturer.

her eyes sweep across the small class, again, searching for him, desperately fighting the urge to pick up her cell phone thts vibrating incessantly inside her white coat. her chin resting on her hand as her other hand lightly touches her coat pocket.

"where is he? is he scared? chickened out, skipping yet another class? he knows who i am. if there's someone who has the right to be nervous, its me! not him! not gonna meet him. in fact, i dont wanna meet him. huh! definitely wont. well, maybe."

she tries to hide behind the head directly in front of her, trying not to make it obvious. gawd! sitting through a tutorial cum lecture tht she aint prepared for, listening to a professor she doesnt like, searching for a guy she does not wanna meet."

"jesus! why does tht demented fool pause n then look at the back row? cant he see the enthu ones on the first row, right under his nose... if he wants to ask questions, he shud ask them... all prepared with notes for d tuts, with headlines underlined in red. i hate them! damn! why cant i be like them! "

nudging her friend...."hey, u sure he isnt here?".
exasperated, "for the hundreth time, no, he isnt here. he uses specs. i would recognise those specs anywhere."
"r u like, veeeery sure?"
no answer this time. just a are-u-kidding-me-for-heaven's-sake! look.
she kept her gap shut.

today was going to be the day that he shed his cloak and come clean. today was supposed to be the day tht she places a face to the phantom tht he has been. it was a turning point, this day. after hours n days of late night talks, bout everything under the sun, no inhibitions whatsoever, hiding behind the safety of anonimity. today, she wanted to see the face behind the voice, the wit, the other partner of their crazy conversations. but the today tht she wanted didnt happen.....


he.....
smiles to himself. hhmmm.... lets send tht across too.... types, ":-)" and hits the green key on his nokia. the phone in the coat vibrates.
"hows d class so far?"...... her phone vibrates.
"anythin interesting today"..... her phone vibrates.
"see anyone interesting today... ahem... missing someone...?" her phone vibrates. her phone, in a white coat pocket, directly behind him.

he knows she isnt checking her msgs, yet. he also knows her phone is vibrating coz of his msgs, though he cant hear it. he knows... coz he knows her ph is on vibrate during classes, full volume when she's asleep, silent when she's expecting good news, switched off when she's angry with him.
he knows alot of insignificant things about her tht others dont.

"ok..ok... call out ur roll numbers!". finally something usefull from tht foul mouth.
tense muscles relaxed, books are closed shut, students sit up straight, ready to call out their roll numbers.... and for some, to call out the roll numbers of their friends who r still asleep in the rooms. P.R.O.X.Y is the name of the game.
80% attendance is compulsory - therefore, a risk worth taking.

she takes out her ph, 15 messages says the screen. she smiles. will read it in the silence of her room. not now. what they say bout delaying gratification? something she read somewhere. how some ppl eat the edges of a sandwich n leave the centre for later. save the best for last?? whatever.....

"number 41".
heart skipped a beat.
what? who said tht? he's here...?
"42....", "43..."
proxy?

its 5.45 pm..... still a hot day....
she carries her mug of tea to the rooftop of her hostel, her fav hangout.
her gf's are giggling at some silly jokes, n "really?" at some new gossip & "are u serious?!!" at some newer jucier ones.

her mind is elsewhere...
he: "u didnt reply my msgs"
she: silent
he: "hello, anybody home?"
she: silent
he: "this is my 20th msg"
n 3 missed calls later.....
he: "what's wrong? pls tell me."
she: "i'm angry"
he: "ok, i'm sorry..."
she: "really?"
he: "really! very very very sorry, pls pls pls forgive me..."
she: "why r u sorry?"
he: "arre, i dont know! u sd u were angry, so i sd tht i m sorry. now wht?"
she: "ur very very sorry's n pls pls forgive me is for something tht u dont even know?!! n u keep track of d number of times u msg me?? men r ridiculous!"

he: "n women are wht?!!! u r suddenly angry n u dont even know why."
he: "dont reply to tht. look, i m sorry for not knowing why i was sorry. ok? happy now?"

she: "i was angry coz u didnt turn up. i was upset, kinda hurt n disappointed maybe. n also coz i simply felt like being angry wit u, right about now!. :-)"
he: "haha... very cute. i was right in front of u. ;-)"
she: "what do u mean?"
he: "it means, i sat thru tht sordid lecture. it means u hv to tell ur friend tht i forgot my specs today. hehe.... "

what was he like? what was he like....? god dammit! i cant recall who sat in front of me.
ah..... nice hair... i spent an hour hiding behind tht head. but i cant recall the face in front of tht head. is this some kinda joke! god does hv a sense of humor, i shud give him tht much!

he: "hey.... u there... wanna meet?"
she: "yup. nope."
he: "haha.... wht was tht..."
she: "yup, i m here. nope, dont wanna meet..."
he: "i thought u were kinda angry coz u were kinda upset n hurt n kinda disappointed coz u thought i didnt turn up. lets meet.... pls."
silence.
3 missed calls
silence.

jolted outta her world, she heard her friend's voice, "if u dont throw ur ph now n acknowledge our presence... man! u must be the one person who is making full use of tht hutch free sms thingy."
another added, "not the only person. u guys r forgetting tht one on the other end...."

embarassed, she quickly types, "gotta go. msg u later. cant meet today."
he: "u r running away"
she: "am not, talk to u later."
he: "u r running away. lets meet."
she: "cant. sorry. later"
he: "we r meeting today. name d time and place."
she: "bye.... talk to u later."

he....
throws d butt. lights another cigarette.
she is not gonna meet him today. he knows that much. he is relieved, yet he is so deeply hurt. it hurts to know she doesnt want to see him. all his friends hv left for the movie. he declined their offer, saying he had other plans, ignoring their knowing smile.

he'll sit here, at the rooftop, knowing she is at the top of the world somewhere too, watching the sun go down. .....surf d net on his mobile, fag some more..... till she msgs him again. he doesnt wanna bother her n appear pushy.
he reads her silly msgs again.
her first msg to him... a month ago...
"who is this...?"
"do i know u?"
n to his "describe urself....", she had sd "i m a young female, moderately built, well nourished, oriented to time, place n person. vital signs r so far stable. :-)"
he smiles to himself.... its going to be a long wait, a wait worth his while.